Sunday, December 7, 2008

Bible thumper

If you've known me for a while, you probably have noticed the bump on my wrist. It's called a ganglion cyst. It's not painful, but it looks kinda creepy—sort of like your wrist is pregnant. It's a tiny sac filled with fluid that comes from your wrist joints.

I was at a teacher training yesterday, and a fellow teacher told me that she used to have a ganglion cyst. "I just stuck it with a needle," she told me. "Didn't hurt a bit."

So I decided I would try it....

Alas, I didn't have a needle. But I had read online that in the olden days, some people would whack their ganglion cysts with a hard cover book. The cyst would burst like a water balloon and all would be fine. In fact, a slang term for the cysts was "Bible bumps" because apparently people would use the Bible since it was the most common book people owned. No, I'm not kidding. Google it if you don't believe me.

So I made up my mind to hit this thing with the Word of God. But which version should I choose? I don't know about you, but when I think about whacking a ganglion cyst, I think 1601 King James Version (KJV). I mean, if you're going to perform minor surgery, you don't want to mess around with some loose paraphrase like The Living Bible. You want something that carries some authority—and weight.

Unfortunately, I don't own a KJV Bible. I can't understand the Old English, so I always bought more modern translations. If I had known my health would depend on it, I would certainly have bought a KJV for just such a purpose. (Let me encourage you if you don't have a KJV to go out and get one and put it in your first aid kit.)

Well, I didn't have time to go out and get a KJV, and I just wanted to be rid of the cyst, so I looked at my Bible selection and chose the next best thing:


It was perfect: decent size, hard cover, large print.

So I grasped The Message Bible, took careful aim at the cyst, and swung with all my might.....

A very interesting feeling followed. You know that sensation you get when you bite down on a whole cherry tomato and it bursts in your mouth? It's just like that. Except add to that the sensation of simultaneously being punched in the face.

Actually, it hurt a little, but not as much as I thought. And here is the after photo:


With the exception of some fluid remaining in the area and a slight, dull ache, all evidence of the cyst is gone. If this cyst somehow comes back, however, I'm definitely going to buy a KJV Bible.

5 comments:

Annie Laurie,  December 8, 2008 at 12:57 PM  

That is a hilarious story! I love the way you related it.

I have a cyst like that, in the middle of my back. Most of my family members have them, too. We say they're our extra noses. I can't reach to hit it, though, and the only Bible I brought to Russia is my pocket Bible, so I really can't try your method. Too bad. Let me know what the end result is, though... I might be able to get a KJV and perhaps even a pastor to hit me....

Brian December 9, 2008 at 8:47 PM  

The dull ache is completely gone now, but my left hand looks slightly swollen. It's probably from fluid being trapped in the general vicinity. I'll keep you posted.

Amy Bogatto,  December 13, 2008 at 8:50 PM  

I absolutely love this... smiled through the whole thing. Awesome that it worked!

Jess Vacchetto,  December 26, 2008 at 11:08 PM  

Dude! I've done that! (actually, Brad did it for me) My doctor was the one that told me to whack it with a Bible. If she wasn't such a great doc I probably would have left her practice right then but at least she believes in the power of the word of God and it worked. No more cyst.

Brian December 27, 2008 at 7:05 AM  

Jess, that is so great! Glad to hear you had a doctor and a pharmacist supporting you.

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