Wednesday, June 18, 2008

America's Most Wanted...Homeowner

I'm a lawbreaker. I've been caught red-handed. Or maybe "green-thumbed."

We just got a letter from our friendly neighborhood Homeowner's Association. It reads, in part, as follows:

Dear Homeowner:

As the managing agent for ______ we are assigned the duty of enforcing the Association's...rules and regulations....We are often contacted by owners and other residents from the community with reports of rules violations.

I am writing this letter today to inform you that it has been observed or reported that the following item(s) is (are) in need of your attention:

6/04/08 - Please mow, edge, weed and maintain the lawn. Thank you.

We thank you in advance for correcting the referenced item(s) and request that you address this matter within ten (10) days after your receipt of this letter.
"Exhibit A"

"Exhibit B"

This brings up all kinds of "issues" in my mind. First of all, who ratted us out?! I wouldn't say that I'm as friendly as Andy Taylor, Cliff Huxtable, or Mike Brady, but I think I'm a pretty good neighbor, and a darn good American. I put my trash out on the curb on a regular basis. I don't blast rap music at all hours of the night. My children are under constant adult supervision and do not roam the streets like hooligans. I pay my taxes, pledge allegiance to the U.S. and Texas flags (as required by law), and support our troops.

But for some this just isn't enough.

Don't these concerned "owners and other residents from the community" understand that I have a higher mission than to worry about the height of my grass? I'm protecting the environment, for goodness' sake! The longer my grass is, the more greenhouse gases will be absorbed and the more oxygen will be put back into the atmosphere. (Go ask your science teacher if you doubt my word.) It's not just the rainforests in Brazil that need protecting; it's the lawns in Texas that we really should be concerned about. So while these earth-haters are persecuting me, I'm trying to save the planet. Where is Al Gore when you need him?

New Yorkers are much more sympathetic to environmental issues than Texans. No one ever criticized my gardening skills up north. In Rochester, I would let my lawn go for weeks without trimming it. My daughter went out in the front yard to play one day and we couldn't locate her for several hours.

But hey, I'm not bitter about the letter. "When in Rome..." as they say. I just bought some gas for my mower. I had to hock my wedding ring to pay for it. No, actually, my father-in-law gave me a gas can with some gas in it. He told me, "Brian, it's a good thing the Homeowners' Association is on top of things. It'll keep your property values high." Now, that I think about it, perhaps that's why our former next-door-neighbors in Rochester sold their house for so much more than what we sold ours for. They actually mowed their lawn more than once a season.

At any rate, I'm finally ready to mow my lawn. Just as soon as I find my son.


Jess,  June 20, 2008 at 6:00 PM  

Guess you needed that lawnmower after all... to think it almost didn't get to ride in the pod. Happy mowing to you all!

Brian June 22, 2008 at 10:10 PM  

Check the next post for the continuing saga...

Anonymous,  June 23, 2008 at 11:02 PM  

Texas - they are watching!!!

California - maybe maybe not!!

endued June 24, 2008 at 7:16 PM  

Brian...I find it hillarious. But it would bug me wondering who reported the yard, etc and I would also wonder if they simply dislike me. Anyhow, mow the lawn with a smile on your face...and put a Texas flag up in front of yoru house...maybe that will do teh trick

Brian June 25, 2008 at 7:27 AM  

Yeah, I have no idea. I've met a number of my neighbors and have had all positive encounters so far.

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